I could fall in love at a red light

That’s what my friend Al told us in an AA meeting the other day, and I chuckled as I heard him say it because it aptly described me.

Well at least that’s how it feels when I do fall in love.   It happens so fast, so forcefully.   The way “normal” people describe it, they tell their story of how they fell in love….as if they met at some random place and over many many times get to know each other.  Seems normal yanno.

Me, I end up finding my suitor at said random place but then end up telling them my life story in under 5 minutes and then falling completely madly in love in the next 5.

Yeah, I’m so relationship material.

I have such excellent fucking boundaries don’t cha know.

Then two weeks later when the guy cold calls me at 3 am to pick him up and rescue him from some dramatic crazy situation?

You guessed it, I am right there with my fucked up cape on, driving to east overshoe in some contorted Mother Teresa-esque fashion hoping to “save” him from himself.

And this would describe the “good part” of the relationship, if it even gets off the ground.

It usually only gets worse from there….consisting of me taking verbal abuse or worse.

nuff said.

****

think I need drivers-ed, or maybe a total license suspension to drive on the highway of love.

SIDE BAR:  Mother Teresa is one of the greatest people who ever lived…….an awesome inspiration to me.  A real life modern day heroine.

Obsession

 

You slither around the folds in my cerebellum

in a cyclical motion

unceasingly,

unrelentingly,

squeezing and constricting

rational thought.

*****

Eventually you attach yourself to my tissue,

you become one with me.

I cannot separate myself from you.

I am you, you are me.

Without you, I cannot breathe.

*****

I lose myself in fantasy.

What if, maybe, what could be, if only….

You are both my pleasure and my pain.

A strange dichotomy.

I rarely fight you anymore these days.

It would seem that obsession has given way to possession….

Fairytales don’t exist

There’s no such thing as love at first sight.

maybe lust at first sight.

infatuation at first sight.

endorphin, adrenaline, oxytocin rush at first sight………

but that other bullshit that the Hallmark greeting card industry perpetuates……

just doesn’t exist.

****

but I bought into it at such a young age.

from the very first fairy tales I read.

Snow White being awakened by her Prince Charming’s kiss.

Rapunzel being rescued by some valiant knight on a steed at the tower.

and how can we forget Cinderella, suffering at the hands of unspeakable humiliation and abuse awaiting rescue by a wealthy, handsome Prince, who only saw her for what like five minutes at a dance? Pfffftt c’mon.

******

Yet I fell for it hook line and sinker, like so many other girls do.  And our culture perpetuates it with movies like Pretty Woman, the same storyline, a modern version of Cinderella.  but it’s just not reality is it.

and for those of us who come from neglect and trauma, we are just hoping that we will find that love we so desperately didn’t get in that other.

the love, attention and affection that we were denied as children.

which, is a pretty goddamn normal thing to want…..yet an impossible  expectation to have of another person.

One person can not fill such a gaping void.

****

how then?  how to learn to give oneself that thing.   I have no fucking clue.

People talk about finding a Higher Power, God,  to fulfil this and intellectually I get it, makes total sense.

but at the end of the day there’s just a total fucking disconnect.

I can’t speak for others, but for me? I really need a God with skin.

The first one

Theres always a first for everything I guess.

The first time you ride a bike.

The first kiss.

The first time you get lost on a road trip.

*****

in

It was 1985 and I was fifteen.  I was a young fifteen though.  My father’s mom had passed away that summer.  She was first generation Italian.  She had left 7 sons.  Growing up my family seemed a lot like the Sopranos.  The kitchen was always the center of the house, smoke-filled.  The men sat around the table and the women cooked and talked.  The smoke was so thick that us kids took to sitting underneath the tables so we could breathe more easily.  My grandma died in the operating theatre and never made it through surgery.  It was the first time I ever saw my dad cry when he received the phone call.

When I got to the funeral home, it smelled like eucalyptus and carnations.  I never forgot the smell, it was so stifling it made me gag.   Yankee Candle needs to come up with a scent called “funeral home” because there hasn’t been a wake since that I’ve been to that hasn’t had the same wake-y smell.   I saw the casket but avoided it.  I could hear my uncle in the bathroom moaning “ohhhh the agita…..” as he popped more Tums.

Eventually two of my uncles literally shoved me and my cousin up to the casket and told us to pay our respects.  We knelt down, scared shit.  Grandma didn’t look like grandma.  Her hands clasping her rosary beads.  My uncles standing behind us with their commentary, “They didn’t do a good job on her, the make up isn’t right, it’s too orange.”   and  “Jesus, Mary and Joseph, she’s seeping! I want to talk to the Goddamn director where is that son-o-fa-bitch.”    All I could think of was what the hell is seeping? Then in one horrifying moment my uncle  jumped into the coffin and kissed her.

I whispered to my cousin, “how long do we have to kneel here?”  she whispered back “I don’t know, enough to say a Hail Mary and an Our Father?”    Then she did the unthinkable, she touched grandma’s hand and said, “she’s cold and stiff.”   So then I did the unthinkable and I touched her hand.  It was cold and stiff.  I think I closed my eyes and my prayer was something like, “dear God, please let me stop kneeling because my grandma isn’t here and I don’t know where she is but I know she’s not here and this is just creepy.  Amen.”

The only good thing was the reception after the wake where thw grown-ups  got loaded and we got some good food at the Chinese restaurant.

 

******

I wonder what lies beyond this life?  I sure hope all that I am, my consciousness will go on, transcend to some place else.  It would be a damn shame if it didn’t…..