yEARNing

Ever since I can remember, I have had this ache in my heart.

A yearning to be loved.

It never goes away.

Like the speaker on a stereo system, sometimes the volume is more quiet and sometimes it is blaring at me.

But it never goes away.

Sometimes the ache to be loved hurts so bad it brings me to tears, it’s like I am bleeding from the inside out.

******

I was twelve when I smoked my first joint because my brother grew marijuana and he sold it to me for a dollar.  I realized it it numbed me out, it blotted out the pain in my heart some and turned down that volume of my heartache.

At thirteen though I discovered alcohol, and that was even better at anesthetizing emotional pain.  I learned that if I drank enough, sometimes cognition even nearly ceased and I didn’t even care if I woke up or not.   By the time I was 15 I had alcohol poisoning and was a black-out binge drinker.

When I discovered relationships, I was amazed to find out that people, could actually love me.    Holy Shit.  Imagine that, they could give me the very thing I had ached for my whole life.   Love was better than pot, better than booze, it was like free-basing powerful opiates but better….

It made me feel like every thing in the world is safe and going to be okay.

Love made me feel like I was coming home again.

Around this same time I started noticing my body image and becoming hyperfocused on it.   Always striving to be perfect, look perfect, I guess with the thought that maybe if I looked good enough someone would fall in love with me?   I developed an eating disorder.

Except, when you are twenty-something, the odds of finding your soul mate, a life-partner,  isn’t all that probable.   The probability that you will end up either dating a sea of people and have your heart ripped to shreds from trying or aching and bleeding alone is far more likely.

******

The very thing you yearn for becomes the very thing you learn over time, will burn you.  And after several third degree burns and unrequited relationships;  Alcohol and the eating disorder starts having more of an appeal again.  It’s safer….except that you know it will never bring you what it is that you truly want.  And predictably they are both something you can control.  People, relationships……..are unpredictable, volatile…..and you’re whole life not one has ever lasted.

******

I wish I could annihilate this yearning inside me.  I wish there was a switch I could shut off, or get rid of this gaping hole in my heart.

I always look better on paper

 

There are those people who are just mother fucking talented individuals.  Charismatic as hell.   They can walk into a room and just open a can of multi-talented whoop ass and skills and bedazzle those around them.  and then there is me.

I am insecure as fuck.

I am the girl who walks into an interview nervous as shit, sweating like a pig thinking my entire resume is packed with bullshit and most of me just looks good on paper.

And when the potential employee asks the million dollar question of “why is it that I want to hire you Lexi for this position?”  I come damn near close to blurting out,

“well truthfully you probably don’t because I’m quite sure there are more talented people who showed up for this fucking interview that can do a better job and I’m really not too sure I can even last the first fucking week.”

******

I wonder how people get confidence.  Like where does it come from?  Can I get it at the local convenience store?

I sure as shit better find it fast, ’cause time’s running out for me.