House of cards

They’re all the same though aren’t they.

Their names change.  Their faces.

But the pattern, it inevitably repeats.  Because I don’t change.

I keep building my house of cards.

****

I like my adrenaline rush with a side of cortisol please.

I don’t know any other way.

And yet there is a tiny seedling within me that wants something different.

****

The Hallmark industry has brain-washed me into thinking that some white knight was supposed to come with his steed and

sweep me off  my mother fucking feet and I was suppose to traverse into some fairy-tale and live happily ever after.

They lied and

I bought it.

****

Fact is there is no fucking fairy tale.  No white night.  And happy ever after?  Pfffft …..the closest I’ve ever come to it

was numbing out my pain in fantasy, booze, weed, or other escapist activities.

****

My two greatest defense mechanisms have always been humor and intellectualization.  I hide behind them like great steel gates.

The authentic me?  who the fuck even know what that is anymore.   who the fuck knows if I’d even be recognizable to myself, or even be likable?

*****

What do I see in the fucking ink blot?

Oh yeah……..fucking rainbows and sunshine you assholes.

Even though I see black, death, blood.

Oh but I know the ” right” answers.

That’s the problem.

I know what you want me to say.

but at the end of the day….. I still can’t find my way out a fucking emotional paper bag.

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4 responses to “House of cards

  1. ((((((((((Lexi)))))))))))) hugs to you hon. I don’t know what to say except I care and with I could give you a hug in person.

    You know we are all stumbling along doing the best we can, at least I know I am; there are no fairytale endings or maybe there is but we haven’t gotten there yet.

    Hang in there
    Carrie

  2. Funny, all I ever see is a pelvis 😉

    If you want something different, you have to do something different: Cut off contact with all lovers, former lovers, and male “friends”. Go to meetings. Get a sponsor. Set top line and bottom line behaviors. Work the steps.

    Can’t guarantee that your life will be perfect (in fact I can guarantee that your life won’t), but I can guarantee that you WILL change, most likely for the better.

  3. I sure do want something different. I believe I have found it. I think I am just super super insecure. I have cut contact with all former lovers, I have no male friends.

    Maybe I should change my name to insecure, has a nice ring to it. *smiles*

Go ahead, make my day :)

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