Why ILLICIT sex turns me on

World English Dictionary
illicit (ɪˈlɪsɪt)
adj
1. another word for illegal
2. not allowed or approved by common custom, rule, or standard: illicit sexual relations
For the purposes of this discussion I am using the latter definition.Why I ask myself?Why can’t I be “nice and normal?”  yanno.  Why couldn’t I  have been the girl who got asked out by some nice fellow and progress in a slow and steady-like fashion within a relationship?  Maybe wear his Varsity jacket and shit.  Hold hands and feel all warm and fuzzy inside, which is what I am really after in the first place.   Maybe get real edgy and sneak behind the bleachers and go to first or second base.  Then after a few weeks go parking at “the point” and maybe if I am really super daring, hit third base.   Somewhere in the future,  get engaged and then on my honeymoon have him pop my cherry? Oh fuck no.Because I am THAT girl.  You know the one that tells my date my entire fucking life story over a few drinks in under five minutes and then let’s him finger fuck me underneath the table at the restaurant, while telling him as he is doing this that I want to take things slow.

Or maybe I am dating some dude that is twenty years older than me, who wants to call him Daddy.  After a tongue lashing from me to him, on how unhealthy it is for me to call him Daddy and how it smacks of some incestuous overtones; I go climbing up on his lap, kissing him, cock teasing him, calling him Daddy while my body betrays me and gets wet and ready.

The weird thing is I really mean it.  Both things are true.  I mean, I am a walking talking fucking paradox.

I really DO want to be the girl who goes slow and I really want to stop this whole DADDY thing.

AND I also don’t.

But I keep doing it because it’s all I have ever known.  It’s familiar, safe, comfortable in some twisted maladaptive way.  But it comes at an awful painful, high high price tag for me.

Both parts of me are true simultaneously.  The part of me that craves it and the part of me that recoils from it.

At first I thought maybe when God was handing out brakes with men I must have been out sick.  Or maybe that I was born to like only illicit sex.  My recovery partners say that’s not the case.  I was too busy figuring out how to stay alive amidst trauma in childhood and adolescence and I never learned the boundaries needed to properly respond to men now as and adult.

Check.

So now what?

I think back to  Stanley Kubrick’s film, A Clockwork Orange.   If I’m wired to respond sexually in a maladaptive and deviant way for so long, what are the odds I can re-wire now?  What if I am damaged goods?  What if this is as good as it fucking gets?

What if I can’t ever be “normal”?

******

Someone either pass me the fucking antidepressants and coach me into taking the shit, or gimme the gun already.

It’s not looking so good over here.

Advertisements

10 responses to “Why ILLICIT sex turns me on

  1. The irony — the lack of ability to discern the difference between being good and perverse — is a familiar feeling. I know it well. I don’t know the 12 step program, or the SLAA process, or if I’m even going to familiarize myself w/ it, but I can tell you that the feelings you exhibit: loss, fear, excitement, etc, are very common, to me anyway. Illicit sex — for me, some of it is illegal — is a toxic high. The more we get, the more we want. Vanilla sex is boring. Thank god for Viagra! I was telling a friend just today that I balance my mind on the rational irony that pursuing the sexual, deviant life is a losing battle, meaning, seeking greener pastures isn’t the answer and presents its own set of problems. That premise is what grounds me. And yet, I ask the same question: now what? A gun is not the answer. I would think that people like us love ourselves way too much to take that easy route. The anti-depressant? Why for. To miss the high?
    Ugh.

    • Luke,

      Here is where I started to familiarize myself with the SLAA process: http://www.slaafws.org/

      I suggest you plot two parallel courses at the same time.
      One in recovery and one continuing doing what you are doing.
      Can’t go wrong with that eh?

      Us…oh yes there is an us. You and I are so very much alike. “Toxic high” is a great way to describe it.
      The antidepressant wasn’t to kill my high, it was more to save my life.
      The gun was more to end it~

      Lexi~

      • Egads. Parallel paths, means I can have my cake and eat it, too? That’s so against my self-created “clean” image. If it’s not either-or, then maybe…
        I knew what the gun was for, and maybe I’m speaking out of turn: yes, the looneyness of what we are, what we do, and how we feed our addictions is/can be maddening. But the scary part? I have either gotten used to it, or I enjoy it. Like the heroin addict, maybe.
        Luke

      • Knowledge is power baby. yes! it is exactly like the heroin addict.

        Addictions are ALL progressive. This one is NO exception. I bear witness to that.

        They say there’s only 3 ways to go with any addiction that’s left untreated:
        jail, rehab, or death…

        Btw, I too have both gotten used to it and enjoy it. too. however, I am trying like hell
        to build a life worth living :–)

      • Hmmm… only three options? Where’s the option: go mad while fooling everyone around you that everything is ok?
        Let me ask, in a roundabout way: our lives ARE worth living. Don’t we just want to make them better? I know I need help; this cannot continue. However, I am also a good person, who just happens to exhibit perverse behavior and sexual deviances. I like your suggestion re: parallel paths, and you do give me a glimmer of hope. Is it wrong to somehow “like” the perverse nature of myself?

      • “Is it wrong to somehow “like” the perverse nature of myself?”

        It’s not a moral issue Luke.

        If you want a “better” life, then you have to make “better” choices. Stated another way, “different” choices.
        Those different choices are not going to happen unless you look at taking a different path. One that
        you haven’t yet embarked upon~

        http://www.slaafws.org/

        It works if you work it. I started out with ordering the SLAA basic text and read it in a night.
        I am always here if you have any questions, comments, or queries or if you just want to vent ;–)

  2. I’m right there with you. For years I thought I only liked sex if it had some kind of illicit or taboo undertones. With HC, one of my last lovers before I started 12-steps, I learned that I actually could love vanilla sex. However, it was vanilla sex with a married, bisexual drug addict and pathological liar…. so maybe that doesn’t count.

  3. I don’t get people who need illicit sex. Can people really become that numb to the whole experience? I’m not being critical, I just don’t get it. Maybe that’s because I’m nothing but a simple guy with simple desires. Just give me a cordless drill, a vat of vinegar, some salad tossers, and a shaved alpaca and I’m good to go.

    • No offense taken. I think people can become numbed to the experience. I think people who come from trauma (like myself) sometimes are unconsciously or even knowingly replicating familiar patterns. There are a multitude of reasons as varied as the stars in the sky why people choose it. Your simple desires sound well…..enticing. Refreshing at this point :–)

Go ahead, make my day :)

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s