|1.||another word for illegal|
|2.||not allowed or approved by common custom, rule, or standard: illicit sexual relations|
|For the purposes of this discussion I am using the latter definition.Why I ask myself?Why can’t I be “nice and normal?” yanno. Why couldn’t I have been the girl who got asked out by some nice fellow and progress in a slow and steady-like fashion within a relationship? Maybe wear his Varsity jacket and shit. Hold hands and feel all warm and fuzzy inside,
Or maybe I am dating some dude that is twenty years older than me, who wants to call him Daddy. After a tongue lashing from me to him, on how unhealthy it is for me to call him Daddy and how it smacks of some incestuous overtones; I go climbing up on his lap, kissing him, cock teasing him, calling him Daddy while my body betrays me and gets wet and ready.
The weird thing is I really mean it. Both things are true. I mean, I am a walking talking fucking paradox.
I really DO want to be the girl who goes slow and I really want to stop this whole DADDY thing.
AND I also don’t.
But I keep doing it because it’s all I have ever known. It’s familiar, safe, comfortable in some twisted maladaptive way. But it comes at an awful painful, high high price tag for me.
Both parts of me are true simultaneously. The part of me that craves it and the part of me that recoils from it.
At first I thought maybe when God was handing out brakes with men I must have been out sick. Or maybe that I was born to like only illicit sex. My recovery partners say that’s not the case. I was too busy figuring out how to stay alive amidst trauma in childhood and adolescence and I never learned the boundaries needed to properly respond to men now as and adult.
So now what?
I think back to Stanley Kubrick’s film, A Clockwork Orange. If I’m wired to respond sexually in a maladaptive and deviant way for so long, what are the odds I can re-wire now? What if I am damaged goods? What if this is as good as it fucking gets?
What if I can’t ever be “normal”?
Someone either pass me the fucking antidepressants and coach me into taking the shit, or gimme the gun already.
It’s not looking so good over here.
World English Dictionary