Clowns scare me

The elephants smell bad.  The food makes me sick.  The port-o- potties always lean like the tower of Pisa and I fear they are going to fucking tip and fall whilst I am inside them.

I always end up sitting on that unknown “something sticky” on those bench seats.

‘Aint it ironic though, that lately my life feels like it’s become a three-ring fucking circus.

I’ve got this recovery thing going on in the main ring.  Which includes my shrink and my 12 step peeps.

In ring number two is the old Gypsy woman Maleva, from 1941 film The Wolf Man , who seems to whisper for me to grab her pentagram necklace for protection because my qualifier, “the wolf” is always an imminent threat.       As she yammers her ever so famous line,

“even a man who is pure at heart and says his prayers at night, can become a wolf when the wolfbane blooms and the Autumn moon is  bright.” 

Stupid gypsy, he came over on Valentines day you know.  Unfortunately for me, I wasn’t wearing the necklace and he bought me.

Then in a third ring there’s this new crap emerging. A new guy.  We’ll call him B.   New, but not new really. Same old pattern.  addiction, is like that, it progresses and proliferates like a cancer, if untreated.  This this time oddly, I seem to playthe role of the love-avoidant.  Part of me feels smothered by his advances, part of me intoxicated by finally attracting a truly kind and decent man somehow (this truly escapes me as I have NO self-esteem).

BUT EVERYTHING IS WRONG.  The timing is especially wrong.  I need recovery! not someone to rescue me.  I”m not a kitten stuck up a tree somewhere.  (Even if I feel like I am)  My sponsor warns me, that  a 4 attracts a 4.  That if I am still broken, I cannot possibly be attracting a “together”person, however he is presenting.  Veneer is veneer.

Sweet Jesus.  This is scaring me.

My shrink is starting to scare me.  Well not her, but what is going on inside me….She matters to me.   I really like her.   I have gone through shrinks like Grant took Richmond.   Most of them don’t know their ass from their elbow.  This one, is bright, witty, funny as hell and knows her shit.   She is the first to find a way to ground me when I start “drifting”.    That speaks volumes alone about her ability in my mind.  No one of her predecessors even was aware I was drifting.  I am afraid she will leave, maybe her husband will get a job someplace. Maybe she’ll get hit by a bus or some shit.  Yanno, crazy irrational shit goes through my mind at night.  All that transference shit that is supposed to happen is happening.  And that’s a good thing I suppose.  Then I wonder if she likes me back or whether she dreads me coming into her office.  But I actually( amazingly even) told her all this shit.

When I get close to people, or shall I say, when they get too close to my heart I tend to run.  Run from safety.  I tend to sabotage things.  Sometimes unconsciously, sometimes knowingly.   I believe my shrink may be able to help me.  At other more pessimistic times, I feel beyond her help.  Either way I’m scared to death.  She invokes some pretty strong emotions in me, that go back into my childhood.  She has power over me and she doesn’t realise it.  Or maybe she does.   Thus far, people in positions of power have mistreated me.  So the knee-jerk reaction is to run like hell as fast as I can away.

I haven’t been going to 12 step meetings as much probably for the same reason.

I am so very frightened right now.  So I have returned to what is familiar.  Those old circus clowns.  They scare me, sure they can hurt me.  But they are a swamp I know well.  I know every inch of that mother fucking swamp.   But it’s a familiar swamp.   I know how it reacts, and how to react to it.  The type of pain that lays beneath its murky waters.

*

To seek wellness, wholeness is to embark upon uncharted territory?  It is to walk a tightrope ten-thousand feet up over a chasm with no safety-net below…..

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6 responses to “Clowns scare me

  1. Progress, not perfection… at least that’s what I keep telling myself.

    When I had a therapist, I used to get soooo jealous when I would leave and the next patient would be waiting there. Even though I understood, intellectually, that this was her job, and I wasn’t her only patient; it still upset me to see hard evidence of other patients. Then I would find myself wondering if I was her favorite patient or not. The thought that I might not be her number one patient was so upsetting to me. Talk about some attachment issues.

    • *nods* God bless you for saying this. I don’t feel so alone. At times, I wonder if I am special to my shrink or if I am just another number
      I must have some of those there “attachment” issues, in addition to all my “other” issues.
      I have lots of issues don’t cha know ;–)

      nice to see you again :–)

      xo

  2. I am sorry you are scared. I can’t relate to most of your issues but I sure can relate to being scared, frozen in fear; not wanting to stay where I am but afraid of the changes, afraid of the unknown, afraid that I can only “do” fucked up relationships and I wonder what the hell is normal.

    Years ago I went to counselors, every counselor in our town. As soon as they said the problem was my dad I’d quit. Then I ran outof counselors and had to start over from the beginning. This time I accepted it might have something to do with my dad.

    I was making great progress so my girlfriend started seeing him; OMG I was so jealous! Not that I was attracted to him but he was MY counselor! I was so reliant on him I had to run every decision, every feeling, every insecurity by him. I often couldn’t wait a week for our appointment and would call in between. My girlfriend seemed to want to one up me.

    Then the fateful day came when he said he didn’t think I needed to come any more. I panicked! He reassured me I had been making healthy choices and I would be fine. I was so upset and even more upset he didn’t fire my girlfriend.

    I have gotten better at self talk but it still comes over me that if I let people get to know me too well they are going discover I’m a fraud, not real sure what they would find out but they will discover something. With jobs, I have had jobs where I have excelled, held them for years and still fear that everyone is going to figure out I don’t know what the hell I’m doing. Or I’d cook a big dinner and then once everyone has gone home I would disect everything I servevd, everything I said, I’d wonder what that person meant by that, did I talk too much? Was. That joke too dirty? OMG I rove myself nuts!!! But I am getting better at letting that shit go and for one thing I lower m expectation and stopped trying to be perfect.

    • my sponsor in one of my 12 step program said to me, “seems like that whole perfectionism isn’t workin’ out for ya…”

      me: “nah, not really so much LOL”

      aponsor: “in fact, it would appear, you’re quite far from the mark,eh? LOL”

      me: “aye”

      sponsor: so why not try something different then

      me: “agreed”

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