Yup Bitch-zilla, that’s me today as I was walkin’ through Wal*Mart purchasing a Christmas tree stand.
I see this dude walking by that creeped me right out.
It was his shoes.
They look like the flippers of one of Fuzzy’s superhero guys, Aquaman.
He whistled as he walked by.
That creeped me out too, he was just too damned happy. Something aint right about it.
I was surreptitiously checking him out, while my nose was sniffing out the fake cinnamon smell to locate the would-be Christmas supplies aisle.
He sorta looked like Aquaman, blondish hair and all.
He smelled of cheap cologne.
It hung in the air like a cloud that permeated my nostrils long after he walked by.
I reached for my inhaler. (asthma)
I mentally placed him on my “NO” list of men I wouldn’t date.
for three reasons.
For three stupid shallow reasons:
1. He was my exact height
I just have this thing that a man needs to be taller than me, don’t ask me why, it’s irrational, or maybe it goes back to the cavemen days where the amygdala part of my brain needs to believe the man I am with can kick some serious ass to defend me? who fuckin knows… just go with it for now. judge me later.
2. He was whistling; almost like Ned Flanders would
Kay, there was a creepy Bible toting-ish, back-pack carrying, evangelical-prosthelytizing vibe I was picking up on this dude. Bible-dar. Yanno. Like Gay-dar, but Born-again-y? I don’t know it was scary. almost creeps me out more than thugs. maybe I need to talk to my shrink about that. but I’m scared she might suggest another doll or some shit:
3. Those Aquaman shoes
I think the shoes just killed it for me. I don’t care how “in” the shoes are. How trendy they are. I don’t care if it makes you an A list fucking guy keeping up with the Joneses, whatever whatever. I don’t give a shit if it feels like you are floating on a piece of cotton fucking candy when you wear them. If you own a pair of those stupid ass shoes and I ever find you wearing them. I simply won’t date you. They are creepy shoes and you all know what I mean. You know what time it is.
There I said it. I let my inner bitch out and I feel alright again.
Don’t make me come find you wearing those fucked up shoes guys….