“Crazy” is a label that people who haven’t experienced an ounce of trauma in their stable lives, ascribe to people who have lived through several circles of Dante’s Inferno. Labels are diagnostic codes that insurance companies use to process claims. There is no such thing as crazy. There is however, such thing as evil; and I know this because I dated him.
Back when I read M Scott Peck’s People of the Lie in college, Peck distinguished mental illness from evil, it piqued my curiosity. Being the Catholic girl terrified from watching The Exorcist (Warner Bros. 1973) I headed down to the local library to find Malachi Martin’s Hostage to the Devil: The Possession and Exorcism of Five Contemporary Americans. It made me wonder if there was any truth or substantiation to a supernatural realm.
I spoke to my parish priest, Fr. John Walsh, who often incorporated one of my favorite authors, James Joyce into his homily. I asked him outright, his thoughts about evil incarnate. Hocus Pocus…. myth….the old Rite of Exorcism, some Pre-Vatican II antiquated bullshit……or did he believe that it could happen. Demonic possession and the like.
His answer was not what I had anticipated.
He told me a story of how he was going to a man’s home who was elderly to deliver the Eucharist, as he was a shut in, and when he got to the doorstep he felt a heaviness in the air. A coldness. And as he approached the steps an unseen force…..something threw him back. Literally pushed him off the doorstep to the ground. To this day he states that it was not wind or anything visible that he could account for it.
When I asked a dear friend a Monsignor, the same question, I got a completely different response. Told that the Rite of Exorcism isn’t used anymore. And that today people see psychologists.
Two very different priests, two very different answers. A schism within the same community.
When I began dating my now ex-Daddy Dominant, one of first times we had sex, we began talking as we started fucking and I said to him,
” I feel like I’ve known you for a long time and yet that’s impossible. But I feel so comfortable around you…..your eyes seem so familiar like I have seen you somewhere before, isn’t that strange.”
He said as he thrusted deeper into me, “I have known you your whole life….”
I replied as I laughed, ” but I”ve only just met you recently”
He cackled, “Oh no, I’ve been watching you since you were a child.”
I stopped moving and grabbed him. I sat up and said “who the fuck are you”
he laughed, “Oh, I have many names”
my blood ran cold right then.
He then flipped me over began fucking me again and sunk his teeth hard ad he could into my shoulder and as I screamed he sneered,
“God can’t help you now……………………..no one can help you.”
Driving home later that night, I was thinking to myself, that maybe I would bring my laptop with me next time. All of a sudden my cell phone rang at the exact moment and it was him and he said, “you should bring your laptop with you next time you come.” The hair on the back of my neck stood up. Could he read my thoughts or was it a mere coincidence. What were the statistical odds.
My heart still serves him; long after he’s dumped me. Makes me wonder who the fuck he really was….is.
One thing is crystal clear though, he was a nefarious liar. A Narcissistic Sociopath. And put simply, he is evil personified.
God CAN help me, if I help myself out of this mess.